Portland's Holiday Office Party

Attention all Portland employees:

You are cordially invited (attendance is mandatory) to the Portland Mercury's Your Holiday Office Party (attendance mandatory). In a hollow attempt by management to boost office morale, we will be providing the following entertainments suggested to us by highly paid human resource consultants:

• Live performance by Ancient Heat
• Professional Disc Jockey beats from DJ Evil One
• A "make-out" and photobooth cubicle (lots of cubicles)
• Photo booth and a complimentary Xerox machine that can be used to photocopy one's buttocks or genitalia (SUSAN! ASK HUMAN RESOURCES TO CHECK ON THE LEGALITY OF THIS-STAN)
• Members of management getting embarrassingly drunk and dancing wildly with their neckties tied around their heads.

Semi-business attire encouraged. (Neckties and pantyhose a plus.) NEW! There will be an Ugly Tie/Horrible (Panty) Hose contest. Come dressed to impress/mortify.

Please enjoy this night of fun with your fellow Portland co-workers at the most enjoyable office party of the season! (Again, attendance is mandatory.)

Sincerely and best holiday wishes,

THE MANAGEMENT